Nightmares

To be honest, I've had nightmares my whole life.

I'm used to it. I always expect them.
I used to have my dog to get me through them. Then a boyfriend. And now my husband. Don't get me wrong. He tried to help so much....but he's only human. He wants to sleep. He wants me to heal. 

It used to be nightmares about childish things. The boogie man. Getting in trouble. After that? Scary things that had happened while I was growing up. 

Now? Now I have nightmares about  something very bad that happened to me when I was 18.

Something that haunts me constantly. 

Something I was told to keep quiet about.

Something that hurts me to the very core whenever I think about it.

I was raped.

Even writing this, I want to cry. I want to press the delete button, snuggle under my blanket, and go back to the pretend world where this never happened.

Anyone I tell is shocked. Outraged. Upset I never came forward, mad that it happened, or one person....mad that I let it happen.

I want to clarify:

I did not want to get raped. My choices following the rape were not so I could get raped. It tortures me. I wish I could change it. I wish I could change how you see it. I wish you hadn't said those thing too me about how it was my choice.

I wish you loved me enough to support me, and love me as I tried to grieve for that loss of safety I felt. The loss of childish innocence.

I wish you'd let me tell people. Let me talk about it. Allow me to move past it so it could become part of my past instead of something that pops into my head when someone says something or makes a hand gesture or laughs like that monster did.

To be fair, you may not have known how to handle the situation.  Maybe you were as scared as I was.

Regardless, I want to urge people who have been through anything like this to speak out. Be loud. Write about it. Talk about it. Do whatever you have to do to feel a little better and a little safer each day.

I'm trying. It isn't easy. But I'm trying. 

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf

Joooooobs

So Georgia is pretty nice. I love it. The air is clean, the people are friendly, and i feel at home.
Something I didn't expect? Having to get a job. That may sound naive, but hear me out.
I have a kid, an infant. My husband said that when we got to Georgia, it would be my choice whether or not I was going to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be one, in all honesty. I enjoy watching my daughter grow. It's the best feeling in the world to see her smile at me. And I want more kids (five, at least) so I fully expected to be a mom full time. Then in comes my husband, talking about me getting a job and what I should be doing.
If he wanted me to get a job I could have, but telling me what to do? I-yi-yi. I don't know how many times I have to remind him that we are partners, and he needs to discuss-not inform. I love this guy so much, but sometimes I'd really like to strangle him.
Happy thoughts....happy thoughts.....

Anyways, I love Georgia, and I will be blogging a lot about life here as a mom, wife, and
....
...
..
.
Whatever else I decide to do.

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf;)

To Georgia

Sooooooo.....
California girl is getting ready to move to Georgia. I know no one (personally) but my husband and my baby...to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I feel like I'm going to simultaneously spill all my stomach contents on the flight attendant and cry for my sister, Hannah.

Oddly I'm nervous more about how my daughter is going to adjust to all the new people, new places, new weather....

I know supposedly babies adjust very well but I never did...what if she gets some weird baby syndrome of unhappiness because we are horribke parents who moved her across the country?

Okay...so that's unlikely..but still,  I get nervous. Being an adult and a mom and a wife and a sister and a best friend and a daughter and a granddaughter .....all of that can be exhausting. I feel exhausted just thinking about getting adjusted to all of this again. As far as I'm concerned, there will be no moving or plane rides for at least one year.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

Please?

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf

Being a mom

I really had no idea being a mom would change me so drastically. I knew life would change, obviously.  But me? I didn't have a clue as to how much one little girl could change me down to my very soul.

One thing I've noticed is my selfishness has turned into selflessness. I only worry about my daughter and my husband. Here I am, sick as a dog, and all I can think about is if he brought a blanket for the baby (he didn't ) or if he fed himself (nope).

Another thing that's changed? My opinion on places to live. I'm sure you know, I used to basically be in the "California is the best" mindset. Don't get me wrong, it's still the best....but it'snot the best for my daughter right now. Which means that for the time being, I won't be living there either. I'm moving to a place that was never on my list of places to live (mostly because bugs scare me and i don't like humidity). Everyone says the south is going to be this giant culture shock, and they're probably right....but I know I'll be fine, because my daughter will be happy.

That seems to be all that matters to me. Her happiness.

And don't get me started on the lack of sleep. But again, it doesn't matter. Because when i stumble into her room at 3 a.m. with a bottle and a bad attitude,  i see her face, and suddenly I'm happy to be there. Sometimes I'm even secretly happy my husband didn't get to her first.

I'm no longer the person I used to be. I put her before everyone. Even people i once constantly made excuses for. I guess I'm not the teenage gypsy anymore. Now I'm a mama wolf ;)

Questions

All I've felt all day is physically and mentally and emotionally drained. I've barely had any contact with the world. I guess I just decided I couldn't handle it. All the things on my mind just rendered me completely and utterly useless to anyone. 

Will my baby have a father?

I mean, that's a logical question. He said he wants nothing to do with her. But is going to be coming in and out of her life, or gone completely? Or am I going to find a new man who is much better suited to be a father for her? Do I even want to? 

As far as my experience with father's goes, you get one of four options:

1. Great guy, great dad, amazing person in generally (a.k.a. my grandfather)

2. He's there, but not totally. And when he is there mentally and physically, he gets angry-and that anger can turn to violence (a.k.a. my step-dad)

3. He's never been there-in fact, you didn't even know he existed (a.k.a. bio-dad)

4. He isn't your real dad. You don't even know where he fits into the puzzle that is your life anymore. But he still lectures you whenever he gets the chance. (a.k.a. my godfather)

All of these options hurt aside from the first one. But how do I find a man who wants to be/is even capable of being the father my daughter deserves? I have no idea. And then there is another dilemma. My mother married for me. She wanted to find me a father. She wasn't particularly in love with him, but he seemed like he'd make a great dad. 

Do I want that?

Do I want to one day be stuck in a loveless marriage for the sake of my daughter? I know I would've been happy with just my mom and I (not to say that I don't love my sisters to death, because I do). But I'm not the type of person who would just settle. I love love to much. I want passion, happiness, and everything. I want the fairy-tale. I feel like I owe it to my daughter to at least try for that. I don't want to wake up one day and realize my entire second marriage was a mistake. I don't want my future husband to resent me or I him because I was never in love. Then there is the last question.

Will I ever trust myself to love again?

After the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life has left me, heartbroken and pregnant, do I even trust myself to let someone else in? My life is no longer mine. It's my daughters and mine. Do I want to open both of us up to heartbreak and disappointment if the man we've let into our hearts decides this isn't the life he wants? Am I going to be able to trust that not every man will end up like her father, my father, my step-dad, and every other man who just walks away? 

I don't know the answer to any of my questions right now. Luckily, I know that no matter what, she'll have a mother that loves her and will always be there for her. I can't wait to meet her. 

I renamed her Phoenix. 

The name seems even more appropriate now.

I wonder...

I'm up this late wondering if history is doomed to repeat itself. 

If I was meant to end up here, this way, at this time no matter what. 

If this was all preordained. Or did we all make choices that got us here?

Did you lying to me help or hurt what was supposed to happen?

Or was it just the part of history you were supposed to repeat?

I want to cry. But it's not an option.

Because this is my role. The strong one.

I hope you enjoy being the weak one, because it's the only role left to play.

Choices

I've always wondered why we make the choices we do when everything you know tells you its a bad idea. 

The flashing neon sign that is your common sense is going off like it's Friday at the club.

And you, the one in control of your body (though if we are being honest common sense should probably be in control 99% of the time) decide to ignore it. 

You're like, "No, this is a great idea, why should I listen to the perfectly logical part of my brain?"

So here I am. And this is where it's brought me. And I feel like a complete moron.