Nightmares

To be honest, I've had nightmares my whole life.

I'm used to it. I always expect them.
I used to have my dog to get me through them. Then a boyfriend. And now my husband. Don't get me wrong. He tried to help so much....but he's only human. He wants to sleep. He wants me to heal. 

It used to be nightmares about childish things. The boogie man. Getting in trouble. After that? Scary things that had happened while I was growing up. 

Now? Now I have nightmares about  something very bad that happened to me when I was 18.

Something that haunts me constantly. 

Something I was told to keep quiet about.

Something that hurts me to the very core whenever I think about it.

I was raped.

Even writing this, I want to cry. I want to press the delete button, snuggle under my blanket, and go back to the pretend world where this never happened.

Anyone I tell is shocked. Outraged. Upset I never came forward, mad that it happened, or one person....mad that I let it happen.

I want to clarify:

I did not want to get raped. My choices following the rape were not so I could get raped. It tortures me. I wish I could change it. I wish I could change how you see it. I wish you hadn't said those thing too me about how it was my choice.

I wish you loved me enough to support me, and love me as I tried to grieve for that loss of safety I felt. The loss of childish innocence.

I wish you'd let me tell people. Let me talk about it. Allow me to move past it so it could become part of my past instead of something that pops into my head when someone says something or makes a hand gesture or laughs like that monster did.

To be fair, you may not have known how to handle the situation.  Maybe you were as scared as I was.

Regardless, I want to urge people who have been through anything like this to speak out. Be loud. Write about it. Talk about it. Do whatever you have to do to feel a little better and a little safer each day.

I'm trying. It isn't easy. But I'm trying. 

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf

Joooooobs

So Georgia is pretty nice. I love it. The air is clean, the people are friendly, and i feel at home.
Something I didn't expect? Having to get a job. That may sound naive, but hear me out.
I have a kid, an infant. My husband said that when we got to Georgia, it would be my choice whether or not I was going to be a stay at home mom. I wanted to be one, in all honesty. I enjoy watching my daughter grow. It's the best feeling in the world to see her smile at me. And I want more kids (five, at least) so I fully expected to be a mom full time. Then in comes my husband, talking about me getting a job and what I should be doing.
If he wanted me to get a job I could have, but telling me what to do? I-yi-yi. I don't know how many times I have to remind him that we are partners, and he needs to discuss-not inform. I love this guy so much, but sometimes I'd really like to strangle him.
Happy thoughts....happy thoughts.....

Anyways, I love Georgia, and I will be blogging a lot about life here as a mom, wife, and
....
...
..
.
Whatever else I decide to do.

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf;)

To Georgia

Sooooooo.....
California girl is getting ready to move to Georgia. I know no one (personally) but my husband and my baby...to say I'm nervous is an understatement. I feel like I'm going to simultaneously spill all my stomach contents on the flight attendant and cry for my sister, Hannah.

Oddly I'm nervous more about how my daughter is going to adjust to all the new people, new places, new weather....

I know supposedly babies adjust very well but I never did...what if she gets some weird baby syndrome of unhappiness because we are horribke parents who moved her across the country?

Okay...so that's unlikely..but still,  I get nervous. Being an adult and a mom and a wife and a sister and a best friend and a daughter and a granddaughter .....all of that can be exhausting. I feel exhausted just thinking about getting adjusted to all of this again. As far as I'm concerned, there will be no moving or plane rides for at least one year.

Hopefully.

Maybe.

Please?

Xoxo,
Mama Wolf

Being a mom

I really had no idea being a mom would change me so drastically. I knew life would change, obviously.  But me? I didn't have a clue as to how much one little girl could change me down to my very soul.

One thing I've noticed is my selfishness has turned into selflessness. I only worry about my daughter and my husband. Here I am, sick as a dog, and all I can think about is if he brought a blanket for the baby (he didn't ) or if he fed himself (nope).

Another thing that's changed? My opinion on places to live. I'm sure you know, I used to basically be in the "California is the best" mindset. Don't get me wrong, it's still the best....but it'snot the best for my daughter right now. Which means that for the time being, I won't be living there either. I'm moving to a place that was never on my list of places to live (mostly because bugs scare me and i don't like humidity). Everyone says the south is going to be this giant culture shock, and they're probably right....but I know I'll be fine, because my daughter will be happy.

That seems to be all that matters to me. Her happiness.

And don't get me started on the lack of sleep. But again, it doesn't matter. Because when i stumble into her room at 3 a.m. with a bottle and a bad attitude,  i see her face, and suddenly I'm happy to be there. Sometimes I'm even secretly happy my husband didn't get to her first.

I'm no longer the person I used to be. I put her before everyone. Even people i once constantly made excuses for. I guess I'm not the teenage gypsy anymore. Now I'm a mama wolf ;)