All I've felt all day is physically and mentally and emotionally drained. I've barely had any contact with the world. I guess I just decided I couldn't handle it. All the things on my mind just rendered me completely and utterly useless to anyone.
Will my baby have a father?
I mean, that's a logical question. He said he wants nothing to do with her. But is going to be coming in and out of her life, or gone completely? Or am I going to find a new man who is much better suited to be a father for her? Do I even want to?
As far as my experience with father's goes, you get one of four options:
1. Great guy, great dad, amazing person in generally (a.k.a. my grandfather)
2. He's there, but not totally. And when he is there mentally and physically, he gets angry-and that anger can turn to violence (a.k.a. my step-dad)
3. He's never been there-in fact, you didn't even know he existed (a.k.a. bio-dad)
4. He isn't your real dad. You don't even know where he fits into the puzzle that is your life anymore. But he still lectures you whenever he gets the chance. (a.k.a. my godfather)
All of these options hurt aside from the first one. But how do I find a man who wants to be/is even capable of being the father my daughter deserves? I have no idea. And then there is another dilemma. My mother married for me. She wanted to find me a father. She wasn't particularly in love with him, but he seemed like he'd make a great dad.
Do I want that?
Do I want to one day be stuck in a loveless marriage for the sake of my daughter? I know I would've been happy with just my mom and I (not to say that I don't love my sisters to death, because I do). But I'm not the type of person who would just settle. I love love to much. I want passion, happiness, and everything. I want the fairy-tale. I feel like I owe it to my daughter to at least try for that. I don't want to wake up one day and realize my entire second marriage was a mistake. I don't want my future husband to resent me or I him because I was never in love. Then there is the last question.
Will I ever trust myself to love again?
After the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life has left me, heartbroken and pregnant, do I even trust myself to let someone else in? My life is no longer mine. It's my daughters and mine. Do I want to open both of us up to heartbreak and disappointment if the man we've let into our hearts decides this isn't the life he wants? Am I going to be able to trust that not every man will end up like her father, my father, my step-dad, and every other man who just walks away?
I don't know the answer to any of my questions right now. Luckily, I know that no matter what, she'll have a mother that loves her and will always be there for her. I can't wait to meet her.
I renamed her Phoenix.
The name seems even more appropriate now.
